No more bushes!

This post is probably best avoided if you are a blood relative of mine or a tad prudish.

Hey kids! It’s a New Year!  Now put that tree away, don’t worry about that extra five pounds you have gained from too much baking, it will come off.  Let’s kick the year off right here in BGIM land by talking about bushes or shall I say the lack thereof. The other day I came across this piece in The Atlantic and well it left me stunned. If you have been with me for a while, you may remember this piece I wrote when I was contemplating the plunge and getting my first Brazilian wax. I never did follow up that piece, after all it seemed a tad awkward even by my standards to write about the process, but I will say I did it.

Yep, I paid $75 plus a tip to get scalding hot wax smeared over my nether regions and ripped off with cloth strips. Turned out it wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be, but I will say the process is ummmm, strange. I don’t know, usually when my nether region is that exposed and I am putting myself into positions, it means Mama is about to get happy. Now many women will tell you once you get a Brazilian, you will never go without one…hate to tell ya, BULLSHIT! Sure it’s an interesting feeling and yeah you do notice a difference when you are getting your sex on, but the reality for me it simply wasn’t worth adding that type of expense to my budget. I mean shit, I already have to wax, my eyebrows, upper lip and occasionally spot work on the chin and neck. Sorry, that’s enough regular waxing just to make sure I don’t start looking like that scary clerk at the local grocery store who proudly rocks her stache.

Now after I took the plunge, I asked the Spousal Unit what he thought about the whole Brazilian thing and he was basically of the mind, that sure it’s nice but no need to do it monthly or even quarterly for him. I mean we are adults here, but he’s been getting my goodies all these years and the goodies are the same whether I am bald as an eagle or a hairy lioness.

Well based off The Atlantic piece, it’s a good thing we are a couple of old heads. Apparently today’s young man does not appreciate a woman with hair in her nether regions. To paraphrase some of the thoughts expressed by men, a woman who isn’t bare down there is seen as weird. Really? It’s weird to have hair in an area that traditionally has hair? Of course young women aren’t exactly fighting the sentiment when they express that being bare in their nether region makes them feel more attractive. In almost 39 years on this rock, the state of my pubic hair has never had much impact on how I felt about myself. In fact any time I have been in a deep mental or emotional funk, my pubic hair situation had zero bearing on the situation.

I admit even before I read this piece I occasionally found myself thinking about this, but unlike college kids or younger women, most gals in my age group aren’t necessarily talking about the state of their pubes with one another. Hell, until one of my besties a die-hard feminist who often railed against the idea of being bare down there, took the plunge and was so surprised about how much she liked it, I never gave it a second thought. I do know that since I wrote the piece a while back, I have heard from a few gals in my age demographic on the matter. In my small very unscientific sample, women either are Brazilian devotees or frankly pretty repulsed by the whole thing. I haven’t heard from too many who fall into my take it or leave it camp.

I admit the thing about Brazilians as routine that bugs me is that it feels like it places yet one more unrealistic expectation on women. Can we talk cost? Look, these things aren’t cheap, even here in Maine, the cheapest Brazilian will cost you $40, and basically you are taking a risk. The cheapest ones are offered at the Asian nail salons, where every time I go to get a pedicure, I notice the same dingy looking towel on the table as I walk pass the waxing room. I don’t know about you, but I am not stripping down and laying my bare ass on a less than sanitary table all to have a bare vulva. Never mind the fact that at my local nail shop the language barrier sometimes means my foot soaking water is the wrong temperature, I am either freezing my tootsies or being scaled.

Why is it, men don’t have silly unrealistic burdens put upon them when it comes to their bodies? A man get older, develops a paunch, loses his hair and he gets to be himself and probably can still get a woman if he is reasonably attractive with a personality and some teeth. Yet let a woman get a little gray, develop a little potbelly and have some hair on her vulva and she might as well just snuggle up to her Hitachi Magic Wand.

Maybe I am just in a cranky mood, but the fact that younger women play along with these ridiculous standards created by the media and men, just piss me off. It’s one thing to do what you want to your body because it’s something you want. In other words if you like to be bare, go for it! But if fear of a man ridiculing your body or judging it when you are willing to share your deepest self is what keeps you tethered to hot wax, I say bullshit!

To Bald or not to Bald

This is mature subject matter, its highly advised if you are related to me that you skip reading today’s post since you really don’t need to know everything about your mother, sister, etc…for everyone else, read away!

I almost hesitate to write this post but I can’t help thinking I can’t be the only one in this boat and as always it’s my duty to keep it real here. So what are we talking about? Ladies (and gents) we are talking hair and for once I don’t mean the stuff on ya head, I am talking going south to the va-jay-jay as Ms. Oprah calls it, yep I am talking hair down there!

Let me just get real with y’all, I am a kind of natural chick when it comes to that sacred area, oh its not the damn North Woods (come now) but my personal grooming of that particular area has always been pretty much make sure nothing is sticking out of the undies and make sure there isn’t an Afro rising up. Oh I tried to get super low once but having used the Spousal Unit’s trimmers for that shit all I ended up doing was creating a situation where I spent at least 3-4 days afterward walking around desperately scratching at my girl when no one was looking. I pretty much decided at that point fuck all that extra curriculum grooming, I mean shit its no longer a bikini wax, fuck we got Brazilians. Sphinx’s, etc its just too damn much for ya girl.

That was until recently when my Maine BFF, who is going through a divorce and a die hard feminist in her 40’s told me she decided to get a Brazilian and that basically pain aside she of the North Woods was never ever going back to the woods again! You gotta know my girl to understand this and she reads here so I say this with love, but in 5 years of friendship I have only seen her in a dress/skirt maybe once. She rarely wears makeup…its just not her thing for a variety of reasons but to a large degree related to why do women feel the need to do that shit? So sitting across from my girl who is also pretty broke telling me she is planning on getting the Brazilian on a regular basis dropped a nugget of an idea in my mind.

Now that the Spousal Unit and I are actively working on getting our groove back, that nugget of an idea has grown. Let me just say that all I have read on the subject of hair removal in the sacred space seems to indicate it could have some certain advantages. Wink…wink. Sign me the fuck up now!

So I figured since it’s time for my monthly waxing, unibrows and chins hairs being oh so unattractive that when I call to make my appointment this week I will also schedule in a waxing of my sacred space. Sounds pretty easy, right? Well this morning after reading up on what to expect, readers I must say I am all confuzzled. Do I go bald, leave a strip? Oh dear, my head is spinning. But not only is my head spinning frankly I am feeling a tad uncomfortable of the idea of letting the same lady who monthly waxes my brows and in July at the local Greek Fest serves me up a mean cup of a Greek coffee, see my junk so to speak. One description I read today explained that to the folks doing the waxing it’s really no big deal, sort of akin to getting your annual pap smear. I don’t know but for some reason it seems a lot easier to hop on the table, get the speculum inserted and get swabbed by someone I don’t ever see except for once a year than a lady who knows my husband and kids by name. Oh, I could go to a different salon but that seems even stranger….ladies, ladies, ladies how do you do this?

Furthermore as someone who has been attached since 1995, it seems that what is expected of women in that space has changed. I almost feel like a relic, I mean back then in 95 I didn’t know of anyone that was getting landing strips, etc but now I feel like the last hold out. Anyway to bald or not to bald, to go with my lady I know and trust or to a stranger, these are the questions.