Thoughts on flirting and dating from an ole married woman!

One of my sista friends just took the plunge and got married a few weeks ago, this is her second time around the marriage track (and who says Black women don’t get married!) and of course she is all caught up in the love glow. I am happy for her; I had to miss the nuptials but am wishing her and the new Mister all the best in the world! But as the mister and I get ready to celebrate another year of bondage or bliss depending on the day I found myself thinking about all the so called rules that exist when you get married in this culture.

We here at least in the US are pretty fond of being happily married until death do we part, generally agreeing that we shall forsake all others. Never mind that just like most wedding vows no longer use the words “to obey” that maybe agreeing to forsake all others in advance of life actually happening is a recipe for disaster. I mean really, life happens and shit happens. I suspect the reason divorce rates in this country are so damn high is because we cling to some adolescent fantasy of marriage and love not that far removed from the Barbie fantasies that tween girls tend to revel in. It’s cool, if it works for you; problem is it really does not work for most of us.

Generally most of us take the attitude that our legal spouse is our property and expect they will fill our every need, never mind that asking one person to be your alpha, omega and everything in between is crazy! Most of us when we are with someone, are so caught up in being with them, married or not that we deny ourselves very real human connections. I am a flirt, flirting is like breathing to me. I realized though recently that for many they assume that if they are in a committed relationship flirting is bad. I say why? Hell, I am not dead! If I see an attractive or charming human, it’s my natural instinct to want to flirt. Flirting isn’t even about getting someone else; it’s just an acknowledgement that hey, I am a sexual being! I actually find flirting to be pretty helpful on the home front, many a time I come home and if I have engaged in a little flirty behavior, normally the hubster is more than happy to be the recipient of that energy I created while out and about being a sweetheart. So if ya wanna spruce things up, relax and flirt!

Next up dating, now I haven’t been on the dating market in damn near 16 years and while a lot has changed some shit should not. A friend of mine, who I consider my spiritual sister, just ended an intense relationship and is back on the market. So she put a profile up on a dating site and had some immediate success. Long story short, she goes out on a first date with a professional man, who according to said dating site they were almost a 99% match so all is good? Right? Well the vibe is good, evening is flowing well until the bill arrived, mind you they are at a pricey spot in Chicago, the fella has ordered wine…no problem? Well, the bill comes and long story short this fool asked my friend should he pay? After the bill sat on the table for half an hour and she finally reaches to look at it since he is clearly ignoring it, they end up going round and round and eventually split the tab. Now my girl contacted me to offer some input and normally I ask before blogging about my peeps but I have a fair amount of single readers and figured this is a tale worth sharing.

Look, chivalry is not dead. Plain and simple, if a man does the asking his balls better be big enough to pay the fucking tab, especially if he picks a lovely but pricy place! Only exception to this would have been if this were more like a meet and greet at the local coffee shack and even then pick up the tab. Sure we women can pay our way but dammit, we like to be treated like ladies. One of my best friends of over 20 yrs. now is a man and in all our years B still pays the tab 90 % of the time when we go out, and since we have never been romantic with each other I would have no problem paying my share and his occasionally but as a man he feels its only right.

Ladies, if a man is trying to go dutch on the first date, he is not relationship material, treat him like one of the girls and under no circumstances do you give up the panties unless you want a human blow up doll.

Now I know younger women will tell me but….no buts take it from Mama BGIM, some things do not change. Let a man be a man and if he doesn’t want to, go on over to Eden Fantasys and get you a big red and call it a day.

Let’s talk about that dating thang

This one is for the single ladies; actually it’s more for the single Mamas. I have had a few of my regular reader’s request that I write about dating as a single Mama, since I did meet and marry the Spousal Unit when I was a single mama. I started dating the Spousal Unit when elder boy was 3, elder boy is now 18 and he considers him every much his child as he does the girl child. Elder boy sees the Spousal Unit as his Dad, for him he had two Papas.

I have been asked time and time again, how did you do it? Well I will be honest it was probably a different world dating wise than what many of ya’ll are dealing with now. For starters, cell phones were only just coming on line and there damn sure wasn’t any texting. Back when the Spousal Unit and I started dating, we had what the ole folks used to call a courtship, was no giving up the panties on the first date! We talked on the phone a lot, after all as a single Mama planning dates took time and he did not get to meet the boy in any significant way until we had already professed our love for one another.

My Mom and Granny were my guides in the ways of men. After all both of them ended up being married well over 25 years and in both cases the marriages ended because death came first. So for me I am big believer in the old saw don’t let a bald headed man teach you about growing hair, in this case don’t let a woman with no partner tell you about getting one.

I must confess that every time I hear or see women talking about what they need in a man, gainfully employed, good looks, educated, no baby Mamas, his own place, ambitious, etc…I cringe. Truthfully that sounds good but in the day to day world of real relationships most of that is not really important. After all you can have a man with all those things but should you fuck around and get sick, I am talking cancer or hell even a surgery like I had what can or will he do for you? A highly paid ambitious man may lack the ability to put you first. If you are a single Mama, will that highly paid ambitious man be there for you and your child? You might be asking what do you mean be there for me. I mean if you were sick, would he cook for you? clean for you? Shave your hair when it falls out in clumps yet still see the beauty in you when let’s face it you look like Skeletor. Will he still desire you when you are covered in bandages and can barely wipe your ass, hell will he wipe your ass for you?  I know some of ya’ll might be laughing but when you looking for a partner this is the shit you ought to be thinking of.  I am not saying settle either but so much of what we think we must have in a man is not what we need or what we may truly even want. A kind, compassionate, empathetic man who is gainfully employed and earns enough to live yet has your back, supports yours goals, loves your kids and is an active partner in the relationship might be better than mister super fine with the high paying gig.

When the babies come will he be up at night with you, changing diapers while you nurse the baby? Or will he roll the fuck over and put a blanket over his head? Truthfully being highly paid, ambitious and educated can generally only take you so far. How many of us know folks with so called educations who really are not that bright and are not curious at all about the world. What good is some fancy letters after his name if he does not engage in the world? If the only news he cares about is the Sunday game?

Now I have already told you when it comes to dating I am old fashioned, what that means is on a date he pays. Now I know some of ya’ll might disagree but it says something to me if the man can’t be bothered to pay, regardless of what you may think. Just because he buys you a meal does not mean you owe him a damn thing. But if you are looking for a man, then let a man be a man and for men that means taking care of shit. Men speak in a language where if they are liking you they generally want to do something for you, this can be as simple as fixing shit, buying you a meal, you get the point.  Back when I was a single gal a man that expected me to pay was immediately put in the friend category.

Speaking of categories, what is up with all this friends with benefits shit? Look, you want a man you can’t be free fucking. I have it on good authority from some men that I trust that they won’t ever turn down sex in most cases, but if you are running over to his place sharing your scared space with him because he called at 10 pm, you are not relationship material in his eyes. If after the deed is done he can’t even be bothered to offer you a plate of food, glass of water you really don’t matter much to him.  Giving up sex thinking it will lead to a relationship is faulty thinking, and I don’t care what year it is. On the other hand if you want to hit high notes and get your toes curled by all means go for it. But if he is not inviting you to meet his boys or the family, you have been warned.

Listen up, when you meet a man and he is reasonably attractive in some way and he asks you out, say yes and place no expectations on the date. I have said before I did not want to go out with the Spousal Unit when he asked me out, he was so not my type. Long story short, I ended up going out on that first date and we closed the damn restaurant down just talking. I had no expectations and in 5-6 hours we talked about so much and he was the perfect gentlemen, taking me home and not so much even trying to kiss me. Fifteen years later I am still with him. Like I said, I had no expectations and here we are.

As for dating with kids, it’s a fine line but say you do meet “that” man and the early dates are good, you cannot introduce your kids to the mix to early. By all means talk about your kids but don’t bring them along and by all means do not try to be an instant family. I have seen so many women fall into that trap and it’s not good. I say don’t introduce the kids to the man until you have a sense of whether this man is really going to be around. In the years I was single, my son only met 2 of the men I dated, and one of em is now the Spousal Unit.

I also think its important for the man to see that you are a Mama though and how you do that is by making it clear your babies come first. No last minute pawning the kids off on someone to get together with him. He is checking you out trying to see what kind of Mama you are and if he is really feeling you he is already thinking about what kind of Mom you may be to the kids you and he may have together.

Now I will add that I am amazed when I hear about folks dating men who text them and don’t call, technology may change but if a man can’t pick up the phone I see that as a bad thing, Unless he is over in Iraq I would think in the early stages of courtship you want to talk to the man. How else are you going to get to know one another? Think about it, texts and emails are fine and they have a place, hell I use em both to relay information to the Spousal Unit but as a tool for getting to know someone? I gotta say no to that.

So that’s it, just some of my random thoughts on dating.