Tis the season

Ok, it’s just a drive by kind of night since I am thigh high in planning holiday miracles thanks to my day job. Which is resulting in one very tired Mama, ask me how come we have been eating dinner at 8 pm?

Anyhoo, after work, I stopped by the local Starbucks to get my evening Peppermint Mocha….yeah, I know wasteful but damn they are good. So I was chatting with my favorite barista, a middle-aged fellow who works there and it came up that he was in the middle of a divorce. Now seeing as how I had been the one who mentioned his wife, I felt bad and immediately apologized to which he said oh don’t worry. So I shared with him there is life after divorce, after all the Spousal Unit and I are on 12 years of marital mostly bliss and it’s my second marriage. Hell, this one has lasted way longer than the first one.

But as I got back in the car it dawned on me that Mister Barista is one of a slew of folks I seem to be running into who either just got divorced or are in the middle of the process of divorcing. Most of these folks have kids and frankly I swear I saw em earlier this year and they all seemed happy. What the fuck happened?

I will tell you what happened…reality. Now maybe some of these folks were just badly partnered as was the case with the first husband and I. Really that marriage wouldn’t have lasted no matter what. No, for most folks they fall in love and they are expecting roses and butterflies every day…sorry kids that is fantasy island shit. I know I have written on this topic before but I feel like it’s a subject that needs to be discussed often.

Hell, if folks really knew what they were getting into they’d either flee before taking that final walk or not be crushed when reality turns out to be so utterly different. Look, I have been honest in this blog there have been times when the Spousal Unit and I were in a nasty patch. It just so happens that at the moment things are good, have no fears we know it can change at any minute so we enjoy the good patches, helped along greatly when the child lets us have time together. I tell you its amazing what a lazy Sunday morning can do for a marriage, hell it almost reminds you of why you married in the first place. The thing is it’s never going to be quite like that, so accept it and see the good that is there every day.

Got a man who makes your morning coffee before you get up? That is good. Hell, if he cooks that’s even better. Does she let you watch the game in peace on Sunday afternoon? Great. See a theme here? It’s the day-to-day shit that trips up couples. It’s amazing how we make lists of what we want in a mate that is not at all based in reality then wonder what went wrong.  What went wrong is that we just don’t think about the day-to-day living aspect of staying partnered and its the small shit that can drive ya mad.

So consider this post a quarterly service announcement on staying together lest you up saying tis the season to split up.

PS: I know I have taken a flip tone here and in some cases there are very real reasons to get the fuck out of dodge and end a bad marriage because one partner is completely apeshit or something…but I do think the seeds of discontent often start with small things and grows from there in part because in our culture we think happily ever after. Of course no one ever talks about what that really looks like so when shit starts going south, we think jump ship when what we might need is a reality check.

Love in the midst of a storm

Just a drive by post today since I need to be heading to the office, but I found myself wondering how do other couples stay sane and in love in the midst of the storms that life throws at you? I have written about my marriage in the past, by modern day standards I guess we aren’t doing too bad. This fall will bring us to 12 years of marriage and together for 14, no small feat in this crazy world.

Yet lately we find ourselves snapping at one another, not finding those peaceful moments…heck the other day we were actually fighting over cheese and hamburger buns. A silly fight  that years ago never would have happened but lately as we deal with life as middle aged homeowners, parents. workers…it seems the quiet fun times have escaped us. Though I will say the love is still there, we are both clear on that…its just that my internal wiring makes it hard for me to be lovely and dovey when I am thinking about bills and other boring issues like home repairs or the big one my job.

So how do you and your partner stay grounded and connected when life is throwing so much at you, the thought of hiding in a bottle of Jack Daniels almost seems attractive until you remember you aren’t much of a drinker and the idea of a hangover is just plain repulsive.